Simply Evelyn Kirsten

I got home last night and felt like a fool. I so graciously pour my life, heart and enthusiasm into life and inevitably end up pouring it into things and people that only bring heartbreak. I’m tired of trying to interpret meaning from people and trying to figure out if I’m good enough for them. I just want to be and be accepted for me. No more guessing games, no more heartbreak, just straight up truth. Don’t toy with me, I’m not some twit who just goes about life without a care in the world. I have lots of things I care for and people just happen to be a big part of my heart but I’ve gotten the feeling that for some I’ve been a lesser part of their heart or perhaps no part at all. How exhausting it is to have to chase after everyone else for all my life. I want to be pursued, yes romantically, but also in friendship. I want what everyone wants, to be included in people’s plans, to be thought of, remembered. Yet I always feel as if I am lacking in my personality or gifts and always get overlooked because someone is smarter, wittier, louder, quirkier, etc. 

That said. I am thankful for the girls I have in my life that are always there and are truly amazing friends. I love them very much. It’s no mystery why we are such good friends. It is so because we value each other. We speak in truth and share our lives together. There is no need to be the loudest, smartest or anything else. We are simply who we are and that is enough. That will always be enough for us. Through the good and the bad we simply love each other and invest the time needed for the friendship to grow. It is easy and effortless. This is how friendship should be. 

I just want to be enough for someone. I am only twenty-three and in between what is now and what used to be. I know you say I have a lifetime, but I want someone with which to share that lifetime. I want you to see me for everything that could be. I’ve had my fingers crossed trying to believe in this happy every after never to sever kind of love. One day, One day that’s all it would take. One perfect day away from all this display of distraction. twenty seconds of insane bravery and maybe you’d be mine, together taking on the sands of time… 

I wake up, let the dogs out, make my coffee, pour some cereal into a bowl, add milk, sit down on the couch. most mornings this is my routine. today I did exactly this. It was raining so I thought to myself…”the plants on the porch probably need water”, so I took the plants and put them in the rain. All except one. A fern hanging from the top of my porch. I went outside meaning to take it off its hook and place it out in the rain, but when I went to do so there was a bird that flew out of it startling me as I’m sure I did the same to her. Turns out, she has a nest with 4 or 5 little eggs inside plated within the safety of my fern. I hang the fern back up and go inside not having the heart to disturb the little family. Maybe I will get the pleasure of watching these little eggs hatch and grow into little birds over the seasons. Spring brings so much life, everything is green and flourishing! 

You’re My beloved
Lover I’m yours
Death shall not part us
It’s you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we’ll be
My Love it unites us
And it binds you to Me
It’s a mystery

My breath is trapped within my chest. There is a voice screaming inside of me hoping for the best. But always expecting the worst. Acoustic melancholy it sounds so rehearsed but you’ll find me hanging on every word. Right now this is all i know, all I know’s gone wrong. 

Today, just a moment ago. I was laying on the floor with a pillow under my chest doing mundane but necessary studying for my upcoming exams. The window is open and the after rain chill is blowing in. I have my hood up on my hoodie and as i lay there I think… how much I miss giggling and laughing till my stomach hurts. I miss looking at the world with innocent eyes. I miss being carefree laying in grass with not a care or agenda in the world. I want to run through field and feel the wind blow through my hair and feel the sun warming the earth. I want to be silly and not care what it might look like or who’s watching. I want to dance freely with one hand waving in the air. There is magic in this world and lately I feel as if I’m missing it somehow. Somehow in the monotony of things it has slipped out of my grasp. Let’s have an adventure. Something to feed my soul. Something daring and simple. Let’s have an adventure… Let’s find magic… you have to believe me when I say there is more to this everyday day to day simplicity. 
I want to roam through wild lands like Narnia and fly like peter pan, I want to meet creatures like the Wild Things and teach them how to love. I want to do what you may well call impossible.
But what is possible if not the impossible?  

‎”Whatever you are physically”, he said, “male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy - all those things matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. Whatever the color, the shape, the design of the shade that conceals it, the flame inside the lamp remains the same. You are that flame.”
-Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare